personal jesus.
a reluctant continuation of 2024's grief.
I don’t even want to talk about this. It’s painful. Probably why I waited five months between posts. It’s important though.
I received THE text on Easter Sunday morning (read the first part of this post here). My mom texted me that my ex (my son’s father), Tyler, had been missing for four days and they were afraid he may have harmed himself.
For a month we hoped for the best. Hoped that he would be found somewhere… Las Vegas, Idaho, somewhere—alive.
He was found in his car on the first of May just a few blocks from his home.
The pain and anguish of telling your child that his father took his own life is one of the worst moments anyone could ever experience. I do not wish that on my worst enemy. The days, weeks, and months that followed were a whirlwind of emotions.
Yet through all of this I told myself, “as long as I don’t drink, I’ll be ok”.
And I didn’t. I hit 615 days alcohol-free today.
I did, however, smoke a lotttttttt of weed in those months that followed. Weed is crazy because it absolutely does not numb anything, it makes you think on a much deeper level about every character flaw, mistake, untapped possibility, and overreaction you’ve ever had.
“What if I reached out to him more?”
“What if I gave him more child support?”
“What if I insisted our son live with me?”
“Why didn’t he reach out if it was this bad?”
“Is there anything I could have done?”
“Am I fucking stupid? (A daily question)
The awful answer is that, no, of course I couldn’t have saved him from himself. Only I can save myself. And saving myself means not drinking.
Was thinking about you recently, was thinking about this, and the weight, and the grief. Thank you for pouring out and sharing, blessing those who read with a piece of your real and your truth.
Love over you and your kiddos. Always 💓