Grief or Weed? Part 1

a brief multi-part history of the past six months

Historically I have used this platform as my own personal echo chamber.

What started as an accountability tool when I first tried to get sober (“if I make it public, I’ll have to stay sober!”… you fool), has morphed into an almost voyeuristic mirror-mirror-on-the-wall in which I put my most unhinged—intimate, even!— thoughts, desires and struggles.

If you know me personally, many of those struggles did, in fact revolve around my addiction to vices. All kinds. Alcohol, dr*gs (not HARD drugs, mind you, I mean like weed and coke once a month), and love were/are my big three, though alcohol was the true thorn in my side. The severed limb which required an immediate tourniquet. I was drowning. Costco vodka and White Claws were ruining my fucking life.

This newsletter, originally titled Unboozy Bitch, was a last ditch effort to prove to myself and the world that I had my life under control, that I could go a year without drinking and write about it and be better in the end for it.

“Please just let me stop drinking”, I wished.

That lasted a few days shy of five months (5/24/22). I wrote about my epic fail. I then proceeded to have the worst year of my life. I wrote about it. I still think about how insane that is because I was still writing & photographing a ton AND getting published in that period of time. I wrote about that, too. When I finally got sober for good—a year and much destruction later—I wrote about it some more (at 460 days and counting!). When I began to examine all my ridiculous bullshit and baggage I was now forced to deal with in my newfound sobriety (at the insistence of my sponsor, I might add), again I wrote.

Six months ago when I realized that I had replaced alcohol with undeserving men, I didn’t just write. I begged and pleaded with the powers that be.

“Please change the way I treat men and relationships”.

Through it all, I wrote.

And through it all, I have seemingly prevailed.

I no longer have an obsession with alcohol. I don’t really party anymore. I now (mostly) demand a certain level of respect and have high standards for men.

Side note: this phenomenon is actually crazy and I will 100% write about it soon because it just happened so fast once I changed my mindset.

I still smoke weed though. More on this in a little bit. Also worth noting that I didn’t smoke for almost a year when I quit drinking.

And up until about five months ago my life was going pretty great. Stable.

Then I got the text that changed my life.

(continued in Part 2 tomorrow)