Love Sowing, Hate Reaping
I think one of the hardest parts about manic episodes, and being bipolar in general, is dealing with the fallout, embarrassment, and guilt that comes in the following weeks and months after coming back down to reality.
The insidious thing about being manic is that, in your mind, everything seems like such a deeply brilliant flash of genius.
“Sleep with a colleague?”
Definitely. We 100% share a deep unrequited love for one another (we don’t)
“Overshare on the internet?”
Bet. Everyone needs to hear about how my ex wronged me in great detail (they could care less)
“Blow off my work responsibilities to get drunk with friends?”
Abso-fucking-outely! My job cannot possibly survive with out me (it can)
It’s thought patterns like this that make bipolar disorder so destructive. In four short months I completely obliterated my reputation, bank account, self-respect, and a couple of close friendships — among other things. I was everywhere, all the time. I went to as many shows and social/professional events as I could, usually very drunk. I was texting 457 people at the same time, attempting to hook up with as many guys as humanely possible and spread as much gossip as I could get my hands on. I would stay up all night writing and posting to social media, surviving on White Claws and Jack-in-the-Box tacos.
I was fucking awful.
But was it out of my control? I wish I could say yes, however, It wasn’t. I think that’s what stings the most. I could’ve gotten on some temporary medication to stop the episode, but I was having so much FUN.
I was invincible. I was God.
Except I wasn’t. I was a deeply unwell and, frankly, sad individual that horrified many, no doubt. That’s the other hard part about being manic: there is absolutely zero self-awareness. We cannot grasp how we come off to others from the outside looking in.
I think the only thing to be done after periods of mania is attempt to put the pieces back together and right our wrongs — make amends, as the AA folks would say. What hurts the most is the fact that some things cannot be put back together. Trust is broken, irreparable mistakes are made.