it's been a minute.

this was super hard to write ngl

If you're wondering where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing the past six months buckle the fuck up because do I have some hot tea for you.

I started the year sober and ended the year sober, but in between there was a slight slip up. When I say slight I mean huge. If you’ve been following along with this newsletter you know that I told myself I’d be sober for a year beginning January 1, 2022 and see where it took me. That didn’t exactly go according to plan and at the end of May I drank and continued to drink until the day after Christmas.

The months in between were full of highs and lows, but many more lows than highs. While I managed to crank out some mildly successful articles during my summertime manic phase, once September hit so did a deep depression and so much tequila consumption I don’t even know how I’m still here. I made terrible decisions—slept with people I shouldn’t have, blew off work, hurt peoples feelings, was not the best mom I could have been, and really just didn’t care about anything or anyone except myself. I was truly awful. I did have some amazing moments, but that’s all they were: moments. Mere hours where I could forget that my life was burning around me.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. I should back up and start from where I left off—which was in July. After re-reading what I wrote then all I can do is laugh (cry). I was balls deep in a manic episode and didn’t even know it. Oh, I was diagnosed bipolar a few months back. Did you know that up to 61% of people diagnosed bipolar also have alcohol use disorder? Makes sense, right? Looking back I realize how hard I was trying not to label myself an alcoholic crazy person even though I CLEARLY am.

I wanted to believe so badly I could control my drinking and life in general, but I was spiraling out of control.

I thought that because I was sober for five months I was, like, the greatest. I had won the game of alcohol. But the fact of the matter is that I simply stopped drinking, I didn’t address the real reason why I drink. And I’m slowly figuring that out now with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and my sponsor. I’m not going to preach to you about AA because that’s annoying, but it’s working for me and that is a cool thing.

The bottom line is I was unhappy and sad and now I’m not (as much). I feel hope for the first time in years—like I can become the person I’ve always envisioned I’d become. I know, SAPPY, but it feels so fucking good after wanting to not live for so long.

I’m still sick of myself and even more sick of feeling like almost nothing I do is good enough. Very few things I do are done the “right” way and I still truly feel like I am not designed to live in a world like this one. But maybe there’s hope for me. Maybe I can figure this out. Maybe one day I can be like one of those women that has the family Christmas cards, the cushy job, the focus to execute simple plans, the 10-step skincare routine, the BMW, the wedding ring, the ability to function like a Neurotypical human and not lose their shit because there’s clutter on the counter. Maybe one day I can be the person that says they’re actually going to do the things they say they’re going to do.

Maybe one day.