Caught Up and Carried Away
I'm now a mostly-(un)Boozy Bitch
I did it. But I do not regret it. And I refuse to allow myself to feel shame about it.
I have written this so many times and rewritten it so many times. I’m in a very weird place and am unsure what to say, but feel I need to update you all no matter what I’m feeling. I will preface with this, however:
I’ve had more major life changes happen in the last three weeks then in the last three years. My almost-seven year relationship officially ended in a very public and painful way. I am now spending the summer in California instead of Hawai’i. I got two career-level-up gigs. Two of my friends don’t like me anymore. I fucked around and found out, unfortunately. I knew alcohol wouldn’t make it better, but it was fun and distracting at the time.
Also I want to note that none of those “bad” things happened while I was drinking and I didn’t get drunk-drunk. I’m not here to confess or justify or make a shitty excuse for why I drank, because I’m not sorry. I mostly just wanted to ask to send me good vibes because I need them. I’m struggling. Struggling to make sense of my new reality, struggling to start over, struggling to find myself.
I’m not struggling with shame though which is interesting. I think there’s immense value in realizing that you don’t have to shame yourself after a mistake or something “bad” happens. Healing isn’t linear and I have been thinking a lot about the fact that maybe this is just what I do: take really long breaks from drinking. Then have fun for a few days and get back on track.
Does that sound like a delusional alcoholic thing to say or does that just sound logical and normal? I suppose the larger question here is: could I do that? Do I have the right resources and avenues to stop when I want? I think yes and yes.
I mean, I HAVE done it a lot over the past three or four years. It’s probably been close to 60/40 drinking/not drinking. This year I went five months without. I mostly don’t want to drink but, like, yeah, those couple of drinks I had Sunday at the festival were nice too. I’m figuring out what my style of sobriety looks like I suppose. I just hate the black and white of it all.
I feel good about the new path I’m on even though it is very scary. I feel confident I can get back on my feet on my own. I wanted to be single and I got what I wanted, although unfortunately there was massive collateral damage and I have some regrets surrounding that. I feel a sense of loss. But I don’t feel a sense of shame about anything that’s happened
In conclusion: I know what I need to do, but am still very confused on how to do it. I think you just do it and find out as you go. But who am I now?