I started this newsletter not really knowing where it would go. I knew I wanted to take a long (mayyyyyybe forever?) break from drinking and thought writing about it might help, but I had no idea what it would turn into. We just passed the halfway point of the year and I’ve learned a lot and figured out why I’m here—it all goes back to my own boundaries, happiness and what I truly want out of sobriety (or lack thereof).
I realized that one of the biggest things that bothers me about sobriety in our society is how it’s so black and white. I touched on this last week, but want to elaborate more. It is all or nothing. You either win or you lose. You are sober or you aren’t, you have a problem with alcohol or you don’t.
So does that make me an alcoholic if I decide I want to just drink less? Does being aware of my alcohol consumption mean that I have a problem? Or does it just mean I’ve taken a long, hard look at myself, realized that I don’t want to drink as much and I’ve taken steps to mitigate that?
I feel like there’s this stigma — “if I talk about cutting down on drinking it means I have a problem”. When, in reality, being aware of consumption should just be a normal thing.
I believe most people have some degree of difficulty limiting alcohol-be it small or large-whether it’s one beer with dinner or total weekend benders. I don’t think it’s ‘people with an alcohol problem’ vs. ‘people without an alcohol problem’. I think there’s a spectrum because alcohol, at its core, is a coping mechanism which most people utilize to varying degrees at different points in life.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s absolutely unrealistic to think I will never drink alcohol again. I’ve tried so many times to put myself into that AA mold and this year has taught me that is just not the path for me. It never will be. I will take breaks and be conscious because historically that seems to work a lot better. I drank this weekend with friends at a wedding. It was a grand old time. Then I stopped after the weekend.
Before, I would continue to drink because “oh well I already ‘relapsed’ might as well keep going”. But it’s not a race. It’s not a competition. You can’t win or lose. It’s just about being better than you were yesterday.
I free myself from the mindset of “all or nothing”. I release guilt over not fitting the mold.
TBQH I feel almost criminal talking about alcohol this way because we are told that “moderation doesn’t work” —that’s a topic for another day. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. I still don’t know. That’s the whole point of this newsletter now, I suppose.